And so it begins

I always knew having kids meant that one day they would grow up, inevitably that is what happens.  Babies become children, children become horrible teens and horrible teens become adults.  This is the way of the world.  And I knew that one day I was in for the awful truth that my cute little baby would transform into those two dreaded words, a "big kid."  And unfortunately for me, that time has come....and way too soon for my liking!

When I had her, I didn't know whether she was a boy or a girl and the moment after she was born, I was so happy to have a healthy baby that I didn't care.  We didn't know for like the first 5 minutes that we were holding our baby girl, our soon to be princess and drama-queen.  She was our first baby and she was beautiful.  She had the perfect combination of Greg and my features.  Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.  I wouldn't let her leave my room the entire time we were in the hospital.  Looking back it was a whirlwind of bliss and excitement, a time that went by way too fast.  And soon we were home, learning how to take care of her on our own, and of course, making our own mistakes.  We hoped for her what any parent hopes for their child, that one day they would grow up into their own little individual person.  With their own hopes and dreams, their own little personality and feelings. 




My baby girl!


The years have gone by and we've had our own challenges and break throughs with her.  Having her not talk until she was 3 1/2 was hard on us and her.  We could tell she was frustrated that she couldn't get her wants and needs across to us and we were frustrated that, as her parents, we couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell us.  After the help of a speech therapist for a year and a half, now she talks like there was nothing ever wrong.  She is the typical 5 year old, who screams, talks back to us and tells her brothers to leave her alone. 

And now she is the 5 year old who helps to make my bed and wants to help me fold the towels.  The girl who wants to set the table, uses the big potty by herself and is riding a bike.  The girl who has informed us that she is "too old" to take baths anymore because big girls don't take baths, they take showers.  She even decided that she is big enough to use the grown-up silverware instead of the toddler utensils.  The same girl who already has a year of dance under her belt and who has already graduated from preschool; and I have the graduation picture, in red cap and gown, to prove it.  My once little baby who depended on me to feed her, comfort her and change her diaper now tells me that she doesn't need my help and that she can do it by herself. 




She taught herself how to swing

  

Riding her "big girl" bike



And now that girl, who reminds me every day that she is no longer a little kid, is starting kindergarten in less than four days.  I have had the extreme privilege of getting to stay home and raise her.  Besides her couple of hours of preschool a couple of days a week, I have been with her 24 hours a day almost 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for the last 5 years.  And now I have to wrestle with the emotions of sending her off to kindergarten, 5 days a week, for 7 hours a day.  Things will be different, that's for sure.  Rushing to get ready in the morning, just to drop her off at school.  I've joked with Greg that I'm going to feel like I forgot her somewhere.  I'm sure I'll have this moment of panic when I realize she's not in the car after a play date and it will take me a few moments to realize that she was never on the play date to begin with. 

I never realized kindergarten brought with it so many worries, or maybe I'm a little over-dramatic?  But I'm afraid all day I'll be thinking of her and worrying.  I know I should be happy that she is starting this new chapter in her life, but what if she is behind all the other students in class?  What if she doesn't go into kindergarten knowing everything all the other kids know?  What if she doesn't make any friends and gets teased?  What if she doesn't like her teacher or who she sits by in class?  What if no one wants to sit by her at lunch?  What if no one wants to play with her at recess?  She's already worried about starting class because she doesn't know how to read.  I don't think I've ever heard of a kindergartner going to class, worried that they can't read yet, but apparently she thinks that to start school she has to be able to read.  I've told her that she'll learn that in class, but she doesn't seem to believe me much.  I don't like the idea of her coming home to me crying, telling me how much she doesn't like her new school, her new class and most of all, I'm worried that she'll tell me she misses me.  I know, most parents would be happy to hear that their child missed them while they were at school, and don't get me wrong, a part of me will be happy to know that she thought of me throughout her busy day and missed me, but I don't want her to become one of those kids that doesn't want to go to school because she misses me so much.

I didn't cry when she was born, I didn't cry the first time she hurt herself or the first time she got sick.  I didn't cry the first day she went to preschool or at her first dance recital.  I chalk that up to the fact that I was so filled with emotions that the tears, that would usually stream down my face no matter how much I didn't want to cry, just couldn't or wouldn't come.  I'm not sure how the first day of kindergarten will go.  I know I'll be sad, I know I'll miss her like crazy, but I also know that  I should be strong.  Because if I cry that will make her upset and if she's upset, she won't want to go to class, and that's the last thing I want to do to her.  I imagine myself, dropping her off at her classroom, taking tons of pictures, smiling and laughing, pretending like I'm enjoying myself in this new process of taking her to school and then getting in the privacy of my car and bawling my eyes out.  I don't know if that's how it's going to happen, but this is my hope. 

I want to be strong for her, I want to show her that school is fun and it's o.k. to be away from mommy for a little while.  But at the same time I want to hold on to her and never let her go!  Because if I let her go that means there is no turning back.  My little baby is growing up and before I know it she'll be entering middle school and then high school, driving a car and going to prom.  I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet, but there is no stopping it.  It is coming whether I like it or not, and it is coming fast.  So I better get myself strapped in for the ride.  Because it's going to be a long, painful, emotional and probably bumpy ride.  And I'm going to attempt to enjoy every single minute of it, and I hope she does too!  But no matter what, she will always be my little princess, my beautiful little princess!