Sunshine through the frustrations

Days like today frustrate me to no end, but they are the days when I need to remember my blessings the most.  The day started out like any other day, woke up feeling tired, irritable and the kids were crabby.  Most days start out like this, I don't ever get enough sleep.  But the older two kids at least somewhat listen to me and do what I say, and if they don't, time-out is where they go.  My youngest, however, is a whole other story. 

He is the typical 18-month old and a boy, those two things do not go well together.  And today he was pushing the limits with me.  He doesn't listen at all, or pretends like he can't hear me, I haven't decided which one yet.  He climbs on the couches and chairs.  He jumps off the little play table and stands on the dining room table and plays with the chandelier.  He messes with the blinds and changes the channel on the TV with the remote.  He screams, bites his brother and sister, as well as pinches and hits.  This makes him sound like a horrible child, which he isn't.  He is also really loving.  He's just a boy and loves to push the boundaries and just generally loves being a little shit a lot of the time.  I can't really blame him sometimes, a lot of the stuff he does he has learned from his older siblings.  He is a VERY big mama's boy and sometimes I wonder if he pushes my buttons just to try to get my attention.  But because of his age, he does not quite understand the whole "time-out" situation yet.  We've tried a couple of times, but he just smiles and laughs. 

Today though, wow, he knew just how to push my buttons and I was getting BEYOND frustrated with him!  But I reminded myself, no matter how rotten he is, or how much he doesn't listen to me, that I am blessed to have him in my life!  Not a lot of people know this bit of information, because well, I don't really share it with people, but I could have lost him before he was born.  Heath was born 8 days early, thank goodness, and when he was born, he was born with what the medical people call a "true knot" in his umbilical cord.  Sometime while he was cooking he got him umbilical cord in a complete knot and tightened it.  It only happens in about 1% of all births, and it can be very dangerous.  It usually happens when they are either so little that it's easy for them to twist and turn to get themselves inside the knot loop or it happens when they are coming out of the birth canal.  It's hard to tell when it actually occurs in a particular pregnancy.  But if it happens well before birth, the baby runs the risk of tightening the knot with every move they make.  The tighter the knot, the less oxygen the baby receives.  If the baby is cut off from oxygen serious side effects can occur, worst of all would be death.  And if the knot occurs during birth, if birth takes too long the sames results could happen.  Our midwife told us we were very lucky, his knot appeared to be loose and he didn't show any signs of having oxygen loss.  ....We did, however, get a picture of the knot, just for remembering purposes.  We were blessed with a very healthy, and big, baby, but it scares me to think of the "what-ifs."  We were lucky!

So on days like today I try to remember that no matter how much he is pushing my buttons or getting on my nerves or making me mad because he's not listening to me, that he could have not been here at all.  Not matter how "bad" he is, I will always remember how lucky we are to have him in our lives and how grateful we are that his "situation" didn't turn out the other way around.  Because his smile lights up my life.  His hugs and kisses are the sweetest.  The way he signs for milk is adorable.  And the way he cuddles on my shoulder when he is tired makes my heart sing.  He has the sweetest blue eyes and the cutest blond, curly hair.  And I can't imagine not having any of that in my life.  Every frustrating moment with him is covered up by 50 happy moments with him and that's what I have to remember.  I have to put my frustration aside and remember that he is just learning how to navigate this life and he will tests my buttons, not just now, but when he's older too.  But I wouldn't trade that for anything, because I am lucky to have him in my life.  And lucky means a whole new thing for me now.  I am truly LUCKY to have him here, because things could have turned out differently.  He is my special boy, my sweetness.  And when I have more days like this in the future, because I know I will, I will continue to remind myself how blessed I am to have him in the first place; a happy, healthy and sweet little boy!

Konner meets the Binky Fairy

A couple of weeks ago I had had it, it was time for Konner's binkies to go!  I don't really remember what made me decide that; something to do with the fact that he was hiding them around the house and whenever I told him to keep it out of his mouth, he'd go find one that he had hidden.  Just hit my button just right that day I guess.  So I called Greg and said that I had had enough, the binkies were leaving with the Binky Fairy.  Greg was a little hesitant about this decision.  Not that he didn't think that Konner was old enough to get rid of the binky, but that his older sister still got to use her thumb for comfort, that wasn't fair.  Which I agree, it isn't quite fair that Natalli could still suck on her thumb, but we can't cut her thumb off!  ....But that's a story for another day.

Konner has always been attached to his binky, which fairly surprised me because his older sister absolutely refused one!  When we were in the hospital the nurses gave him one during his little "procedure" and he fell in love with it.  I could never get it away from him.  There are hundreds of pictures I have of him with the binky stuck firmly in his mouth.  I always said that he would never have the binky past age 2, because something about an older child with a binky hanging out of their mouth always bugged me a little bit.  ....And then I became a mom of a child who was in love with their binky, and everything changed.  He never was attached to a blanket and he was never attached to a stuffed animal, so the binky was the only thing that gave him comfort.  It helped him to fall asleep and it helped him feel better when he was hurt or upset.  There was nothing he wanted more than his binky. 

There was one point when he was around 2 1/2 that I decided the daytime binky needed to go.  He was allowed to have it at nap time and bedtime, but during the day I didn't want him to have it.  Granted, his big, brown, puppy dog eyes sometimes got to me and if we were at home, I gave in, but for the most part, he only got it when he was going to sleep.  However, this little boy is a very smart little boy and would tell me that he was tired and wanted to take a nap so that he could have his binky after I told him he couldn't have it.  It always made me smile, that he would think of something like that just to get his binky. 

But the day came, he wouldn't keep it out of his mouth, even after repeatedly telling him to.  And I knew that he could go to sleep without it, because there were times where he fell asleep before he put it in his mouth.  So I knew it was time.  That and the fact that he is almost 3 1/2, it needed to go.  I was a little nervous about actually following through with it, as I had seen on Super Nanny, taking away the binky is not a fun thing to deal with.  Kids cry and scream and throw giant fits for days afterwards.  I was NOT looking forward to having to watch my little guy go through this.  But I knew that if I didn't do it he would be going to kindergarten with a binky, which I did not want! 

So Greg and I decided that we would use the "Binky Fairy" to come take his binkies.  This way mommy and daddy didn't seem like the "meanies taking his binkies."  In exchange for his binkies, the Binky Fairy would bring him a surprise.  We asked him one night before bed if the Binky Fairy should come and take his binkies.  He surprisingly said yes, although I don't think he was sure exactly what he was saying yes to.  We told him that she would come and take his binkies and give them to new baby boys that needed them and in return would  bring him a present.  He seemed o.k. with this idea, I mean, who doesn't like presents?  He had been in love with the new Mater Tale on TV, Monster Truck Mater, so we found a play set at Target that came with Frightening McMean, it was perfect.  So the next night, we got all his binkies, put them in a bag and left them for the Binky Fairy.  He was a little upset about this because he didn't realize that meant he couldn't actually have one that night.  So daddy had to lay with him for awhile, which is o.k., daddy secretly likes it.  :-)

The next morning he woke up and I asked him if he wanted to see what the Binky Fairy brought him.  He got this huge smile on his face as he remembered there was a present waiting for him.  He was more than ecstatic!  He LOVED it!  Of course I had to immediately take it out of the box and put it together.  He started playing with it right away and wanted to watch Monster Truck Mater while he played with it.  It was very cute and I was very happy that things seemed to be working out alright, he must have been ready to give up the binky....and then nap time came.....and along with nap time came the fit!




Inspecting his loot




Overwhelmed a little by the fact that the Binky Fairy actually came!


We actually got off pretty easy I think.  He did cry the first 3 days or so, but only at nap time or bedtime.  He always asked for his binky, to which we had to remind him that the Binky Fairy came and picked them up to give to the new little baby boys.  He would always respond with pouty eyes and crocodile tears.  Nothing makes a mommy feel worse than her little boy crying because of something she did.  It was my fault that he was so upset and there were times I wanted to give in and give them back to him, it didn't help that Greg didn't think it was time to do this to him so I had no one on my side, but I held my ground.  And to my surprise, after about 3 or 4 days, he stopped asking for it and to this day he hasn't asked for it once.  I think it helps that his little brother also doesn't take a binky, so I don't have to worry about him trying to steal his.  

A few days after we quite the binky habit, just by coincidence, we got him his Build-A-Bear, which is a wolf we named Wolfie.  And he has become his new comfort object, taking the place of his binky.  When he's sad or upset, he wants Wolfie.  When he goes to sleep, he has to cuddle with Wolfie.  Wolfie goes pretty much anywhere that he goes, he might even have to go to preschool with him!  So the binkies are out and the wolf is in!  Giving up the binky habit wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, I honestly thought he would put up more of a fight, but he didn't, and that makes me feel soooo much better and happy.  The Binky Fairy came, left him a present and we are now binky-free!  I still somewhat miss my little boy who cuddles on my lap with the binky in his mouth or seeing him smile behind his binky.  He seems so much older now that he doesn't use it...and of course I hate the fact that he is growing up so fast!  But it is all for the better and he seems happy and healthy without it.  Thank goodness it was easier than I thought it would be and thank goodness for the Super Nanny for giving me the Binky Fairy idea!  Oh, Binky Fairy, how I love thee!  What would we have done without you?!

It's official....

It's official, I now have a kindergartner.  My oldest and only little girl now goes to school 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, for approximately 9 1/2 months.  How on Earth did that happen?  It seems like just yesterday she was my only child, my baby and I was rocking her to sleep.  Now she is learning how to be a person in this giant world of ours.  Amazing!

The first official day of school was yesterday and things didn't go exactly how I imagined or how we planned.  Everything seemed o.k. at first.  Greg and I both took her to school, just the three of us.  We both wanted to see her off on her very first day of all-day school, since this was something that was only going to happen once in her life.  After taking our first day of school pictures, with her dressed up in her "iCarly"-like outfit, we were ready to head out.  We left about 30 minutes early, even though it only takes us about 10 minutes to get to her school.  And boy was it a good thing we did.  When we got into town there was traffic backed up from every direction, it took us a good 15 minutes just to get through all of the crowds of cars and people.  I've never seen anything like it before!  I mean, I know it was the first day of school, but my goodness!  It was chaotic!  After we finally found a parking space, in what seemed like 5 miles from the school, we got out, got on her backpack and headed toward the kindergarten wing.  ...Oh, did I happen to mention yet that it was raining on her first day of school?  No?  Well, it was raining and enough to need an umbrella, so luckily for Nat, she has a nice princess one that did the job!

We get inside the building and find her coat hook by her teacher's name.  She was lucky enough to be graced with her own coat hook, no sharing for her!  We hang up her new iCarly backpack, her umbrella and put her new iCarly lunchbox on the shelf by her name.  She then goes to the bathroom and we head to her room.  So far so good, she seems nervous, but excited, as are we.  We get to her room, her teacher greets her and she goes to her spot and finds her name tag.  Nat puts on her name tag and I take one last picture of her in her new room.  Greg and I kiss her good-bye, give her hugs and say our good-byes.  We turn around to leave and just as we are about ready to walk down the hallway, it happens.  She was about to head to a group of girls playing on the floor, stops dead in her tracks and turns around, tears streaming down her face.  She comes running to us and gives me a big hug and through her sobs say, "I'm going to miss you mommy!" 

Natalli at her coat hook



Natalli in class, right before the tears started



The six dreaded words I was afraid I was going to hear.  I thought we were getting off lucky, everything seemed to be going fine, but I guess I just needed to wait a few more seconds.  I take her back into her class, where her teacher was surprised to see that she had "escaped."  There is a girl from her dance class last year who is in her class, so I attempted to get them to talk before I gave her one last hug and told her I had to go.  I wanted to stay and wipe away her tears and tell her that everything would be alright, but I knew that if I did that it would only make things worse.  So I turned around, and Greg and I left, the sound of her sobbing ringing in my ears.  I've never felt so bad!

The day went by relatively fast, at least for me and it was soon time to pick her up.  Greg went with me again, he wanted to be in the car when she got out of school and he stayed behind in the car to watch the kids while I went in to go get her.  When I got to her room she already had her backpack and lunchbox and was ready to go.  She came running at me with big smiles.  She was proud to show me what she had done that day, what she all ate in her lunch and the things she did in class.  She even learned a new song that she sang to us at dinner.  She got to enjoy p.e. and saw one of her other dance class friends in the cafeteria at lunch time.  She sounded happy and excited about the day she had.  Which I have to admit, made me feel a lot better!

And on to today, the second day of school.  She was a little upset this morning because she complained that the day at school took a long time to get over and that she missed me, but she seemed excited to go back again.  It was just me who dropped her off this morning, along with Konner, Heath and Ady.  We dropped off her stuff at her hook, she went to the bathroom and we headed down to her room.  The teacher greeted her at the door, I gave her a kiss and a hug, told her I loved her.  She then preceded to tell me that I needed to kiss her on the hand like the book they read in class yesterday, The Kissing Hand.  So I did and I turned around and left.  There were no tears, no running after me, no telling me that she was going to miss me.  The day is now half-over and I'm hoping that she is having fun in class.  Maybe it was just a minor speed bump in the road, I hope so.  I still can't believe she is old enough for kindergarten, but I hope that she has a fantastic, happy and well-rounded adventure!

Taken wayyy too long

So last week my friend Danielle brought her husband and her kids over to our house to play and we decided to get out the swimming pool and go swimming.  We have a pretty awesome blow-up pool if I do say so myself.  Palm trees, slide and a tiger that shoots water into the pool.  The kids had so much fun playing and swimming in the pool that we decided to do it again Sunday and then again Monday morning.  And then I realized, why on earth has it taken me until August to get out the kiddie pool?

I always thought of the pool as a pain, I mean who wants to blow up the pool every time, fill it with water and then make sure that three kids don't drown in it?  But I realized the reason that I didn't want to mess with it was because I was used to having the pool at our old house.  Our house where there were ticks and spiders galore and I was afraid of being out in the pool for too long because things would end up floating in it.  Ew!  But at our new house it's totally different.  We have an actual driveway, with little to no bugs that bother us and a quiet neighborhood with no traffic to worry about. 



The boys enjoying the pool




Running and "jumping" into the pool



The edge of the pool was a fun place to play too



I will miss this awesome pool and our awesome pool parties!

 Between watching the kids play in the water, having a water fight with Danielle and sitting in the pool on the hottest day of the week on Monday and it not feeling hot at all, I realized just how much I love the pool!  I cannot believe that it has taken the entire summer for us to get the pool out.  I forgot how cooler it is outside when you are just lounging in the pool!  And it is wonderful to feel the water between your toes and the sun on your face.  The kids enjoy it almost as much as I do.  :-)  I'm trying to convince Greg that we need something a little more permanent for next summer.  Something that I don't have to blow up every time I want to use it.  Plus, unfortunately for our poor pool and for us, we have a small leak in our current pool, causing us to have to blow it up every 15 minutes because it starts to loose it's air. 

I feel a little stupid and lazy that my kids could have been enjoying the pool all summer long, cooling off in the water and having a great time, but we just now got it out.  I guess I've learned my lesson on that one.  Put that one on the back burner for next summer.  It may have taken me wayyyy too long to figure it out, but at least I figured it out at all, right?  I mean, a little is better than none.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  Besides, it may have taken us this long to get it out, but some of my greatest memories from this summer were from using that pool.  I will never forget our mid-afternoon, child-inspired, looked like reh-tards water fight!  Too bad we didn't get a picture....  I don't remember the last time I had so much fun!  Thanks Danielle, I'm pretty sure I love you a little more now.  Hard to do I know, but pretty sure it happened!  :-) 

And so it begins

I always knew having kids meant that one day they would grow up, inevitably that is what happens.  Babies become children, children become horrible teens and horrible teens become adults.  This is the way of the world.  And I knew that one day I was in for the awful truth that my cute little baby would transform into those two dreaded words, a "big kid."  And unfortunately for me, that time has come....and way too soon for my liking!

When I had her, I didn't know whether she was a boy or a girl and the moment after she was born, I was so happy to have a healthy baby that I didn't care.  We didn't know for like the first 5 minutes that we were holding our baby girl, our soon to be princess and drama-queen.  She was our first baby and she was beautiful.  She had the perfect combination of Greg and my features.  Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.  I wouldn't let her leave my room the entire time we were in the hospital.  Looking back it was a whirlwind of bliss and excitement, a time that went by way too fast.  And soon we were home, learning how to take care of her on our own, and of course, making our own mistakes.  We hoped for her what any parent hopes for their child, that one day they would grow up into their own little individual person.  With their own hopes and dreams, their own little personality and feelings. 




My baby girl!


The years have gone by and we've had our own challenges and break throughs with her.  Having her not talk until she was 3 1/2 was hard on us and her.  We could tell she was frustrated that she couldn't get her wants and needs across to us and we were frustrated that, as her parents, we couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell us.  After the help of a speech therapist for a year and a half, now she talks like there was nothing ever wrong.  She is the typical 5 year old, who screams, talks back to us and tells her brothers to leave her alone. 

And now she is the 5 year old who helps to make my bed and wants to help me fold the towels.  The girl who wants to set the table, uses the big potty by herself and is riding a bike.  The girl who has informed us that she is "too old" to take baths anymore because big girls don't take baths, they take showers.  She even decided that she is big enough to use the grown-up silverware instead of the toddler utensils.  The same girl who already has a year of dance under her belt and who has already graduated from preschool; and I have the graduation picture, in red cap and gown, to prove it.  My once little baby who depended on me to feed her, comfort her and change her diaper now tells me that she doesn't need my help and that she can do it by herself. 




She taught herself how to swing

  

Riding her "big girl" bike



And now that girl, who reminds me every day that she is no longer a little kid, is starting kindergarten in less than four days.  I have had the extreme privilege of getting to stay home and raise her.  Besides her couple of hours of preschool a couple of days a week, I have been with her 24 hours a day almost 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for the last 5 years.  And now I have to wrestle with the emotions of sending her off to kindergarten, 5 days a week, for 7 hours a day.  Things will be different, that's for sure.  Rushing to get ready in the morning, just to drop her off at school.  I've joked with Greg that I'm going to feel like I forgot her somewhere.  I'm sure I'll have this moment of panic when I realize she's not in the car after a play date and it will take me a few moments to realize that she was never on the play date to begin with. 

I never realized kindergarten brought with it so many worries, or maybe I'm a little over-dramatic?  But I'm afraid all day I'll be thinking of her and worrying.  I know I should be happy that she is starting this new chapter in her life, but what if she is behind all the other students in class?  What if she doesn't go into kindergarten knowing everything all the other kids know?  What if she doesn't make any friends and gets teased?  What if she doesn't like her teacher or who she sits by in class?  What if no one wants to sit by her at lunch?  What if no one wants to play with her at recess?  She's already worried about starting class because she doesn't know how to read.  I don't think I've ever heard of a kindergartner going to class, worried that they can't read yet, but apparently she thinks that to start school she has to be able to read.  I've told her that she'll learn that in class, but she doesn't seem to believe me much.  I don't like the idea of her coming home to me crying, telling me how much she doesn't like her new school, her new class and most of all, I'm worried that she'll tell me she misses me.  I know, most parents would be happy to hear that their child missed them while they were at school, and don't get me wrong, a part of me will be happy to know that she thought of me throughout her busy day and missed me, but I don't want her to become one of those kids that doesn't want to go to school because she misses me so much.

I didn't cry when she was born, I didn't cry the first time she hurt herself or the first time she got sick.  I didn't cry the first day she went to preschool or at her first dance recital.  I chalk that up to the fact that I was so filled with emotions that the tears, that would usually stream down my face no matter how much I didn't want to cry, just couldn't or wouldn't come.  I'm not sure how the first day of kindergarten will go.  I know I'll be sad, I know I'll miss her like crazy, but I also know that  I should be strong.  Because if I cry that will make her upset and if she's upset, she won't want to go to class, and that's the last thing I want to do to her.  I imagine myself, dropping her off at her classroom, taking tons of pictures, smiling and laughing, pretending like I'm enjoying myself in this new process of taking her to school and then getting in the privacy of my car and bawling my eyes out.  I don't know if that's how it's going to happen, but this is my hope. 

I want to be strong for her, I want to show her that school is fun and it's o.k. to be away from mommy for a little while.  But at the same time I want to hold on to her and never let her go!  Because if I let her go that means there is no turning back.  My little baby is growing up and before I know it she'll be entering middle school and then high school, driving a car and going to prom.  I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet, but there is no stopping it.  It is coming whether I like it or not, and it is coming fast.  So I better get myself strapped in for the ride.  Because it's going to be a long, painful, emotional and probably bumpy ride.  And I'm going to attempt to enjoy every single minute of it, and I hope she does too!  But no matter what, she will always be my little princess, my beautiful little princess!

Missed Moments in Time

I finally got my camera back today....for the second time!  Greg just bought me my brand new, lovely camera for my birthday in March.  By the end of April, we had to send it in for the first time, which took over a month to fix!  Then by the beginning of July we had to send it in for a second time, which also took over a month to fix!  At the time when Greg bought me the camera, he didn't buy the protection plan.  We hardly ever do buy them because they are usually always so expensive and we never end up needing them.  So of course, the one time we don't buy it is the time when we need it the most!

Luckily my camera came with a one year warranty on it for anything that goes wrong with it, so we have yet to pay a dime to get it fixed.  But the warranty means that when something does go wrong with it we have to bring it to Best Buy, who then sends it out to Sony to be fixed, then they have to send it back to Best Buy....and it takes FOREVER! 

Out of the almost 5 months I've had the camera, I've really only been able to use it for 2 1/2 months or so.  Most people wouldn't really care about this, but for me this is devastating!  We don't have a back up camera, so I have literally been without a camera at all for almost 3 whole months!  And to me, that is horrible!  Photography is kind of my thing, a huge part of my life.  I love pictures!  I love to take them, I love to look at them, I love to hang them all over my walls.  And there is nothing more that I want to take pictures of than my 3 kids.  They are so young and with every day they change just a little bit more.  When they are grown and have left the nest I want to be able to look back at my pictures of when they were happy and sad, when they skinned their knees on their bike or made a new friend.  The awe of every day life through their eyes is what I love to capture, or at least attempt to capture. 

And for the past 3 months I haven't been able to take any pictures.  No pictures of tears or smiles, no goofy pictures, no pouty faces, nothing.  I have almost felt lost!  At times when I'd reach for my camera to permanently put the moment on film, it wasn't there.  I recently just took the kids to Living History Farms for their very first time and that is usually something that I'd definitely want to make sure I took tons of pictures of, and I didn't have it!  I was so pissed!  I feel like I have missed so many moments in their life.  The memories are in my head, but soon they will be pushed out with new memories and I can't go and look back on those times with my pictures.

I know I should be happy that I have my camera back now, especially with big times ahead in our lives.  But I still feel somewhat cheated, somewhat upset that I missed out on the other moments in their lives.  But I must look ahead.  There are only a couple of weeks left until school starts and I'll now be able to capture the last moments of summer.  I'll be able to shoot pictures of the first days of school and all the play dates that we try to squeeze in before things are no longer the same around here.  And I am extremely thankful for that!  I have my camera back and my life seems more in balance now.  Thank goodness!  I'll have to put the bad "no camera" times behind me and look forward with camera in tow.  ....What would I have done in a day and age with no digital cameras?!